i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
