just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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