I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
