It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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