Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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