i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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