Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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