I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
