I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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