my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
