i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
