So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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