the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
