I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
