If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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