I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
