I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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