Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
