oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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