I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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