It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
