there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
