Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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