this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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