Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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