Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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