So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
