you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
