Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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