my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
