just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
