Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
