I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
