Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
