my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
