Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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