fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
pray to the hookup gods
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
