: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
