Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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