If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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