I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
