At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Blood and glitter go together right?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
