hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
