My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
