I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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