Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
