I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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