Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
