I think im going to throw up on grandma
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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