Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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