he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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