i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
