Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
