Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
