I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
