I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
