my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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