I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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