I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
