Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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