I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
